Author Archives: PF

Dvorak: Mass in D and Howells: Te Deum

Bhopal, Hands On and Queen Viper are singing in a concert on the 25th March at St Peter’s Church, Southfield Road, Chiswick, W4 1BB at 7.30pm
Programme: Dvorak: Mass in D and Howells: Te Deum
Tickets are £13 in advance or £15 on the door
Bhopal and Hands on will also be singing in a jazz concert as part of the Brandenburg Festival on the 1st April

Hashers Interviewed

On one of our recent runs some trainee journalists carried out some podcast interviews of Hashes for an internet radio station, if you would like to listen to this then stick your headphones, or speakers, on and Cick Hear. I was particularly intrigued by Dingo’s explanation of how she got her name; “because I come from Australia”. I had always thought that Dingo was an abbreviation for her full Hash name and also that there was a bit more to it than that……

Hampstead 12 June 2016

Run 1597, 28th April 2016 – Green Man, Putney Heath

The venue for this Thursday’s run was that reliable favourite: the Green Man, on Putney heath. With Lick a Pile performing a dual role as both hare and GM, what could go wrong? Well, nothing much as it turned out.
Having been assaulted by an overly aggressive lamp post on a previous hash in Action, your scribe was taking no chances on this occasion, and donned his high-viz vest for this trail. Oh how my fellow hashers mocked and ridiculed my garb. But the last laugh was on me, as I was not accosted by a single lamppost on the whole trail. Who says health and safety is a waste of time?
At the on-off our two visitors – the GM from San Diego Hash [insert name here] and Camping Gas from Guildford – were given the customary West London welcome, and the hare received a cheer for announcing that there would be a drink stop. We then set off, not into the beckoning wild woods of Putney Heath as one might expect, but in a series of loops into some of the less scenic housing estates of Putney. Apparently the hare did this deliberately to frustrate Pickled Fart, who historically has ‘owned’ the role of Putney Heath hash master.
Before too long, normal service was resumed and we crossed the road and continued on the trail through the heath, and then on around parts of Wimbledon Common, before returning back to the heath. Your scribe was diligently recording every step on his trusty OS map and is therefore in a positon to share this with you thanks to the wonders of the InterWeb: Map of Trail
Giving credit where it is due, Lick a Pile did a great job of setting the trail, with frequent clear markings and just the right number of checks and false trails to keep the pack together. The only thing I could not figure out is that even though I ran flat out between checks, the hare would always be waiting there already, smiling and looking very relaxed. So either he was very clever and used some cunning shortcuts, or alternatively, recalling the tale of the hare and the tortoise, our hare was in fact one of a number of identical ‘tortoises’ placed strategically at each check. Since the first explanation is clearly not credible, we must assume that Lick a Pile does indeed have a number of clones at his disposal.
Arriving at the drink stop we were treated to some potent Czech sprit reputed to be 65% proof. Deceptively easy to sip, but with an after burn that removes the lining from your oesophagus. As usual, one could overhear the Pope trying to coerce his fellow hashers into joining him in Hell. Then it was time to head back to the Green Man for beer and the circle. This proved to be a tricky gig for the GM when it came to inviting the hare into the circle, but Lick a pile handled it adroitly thanks to some nimble foot work. Our visitors were then give their customary down-downs, and since one was in fact the GM of the San Diego Hash, the rule: “One GM gets a down-down, all GMs get a down-down” was invoked, and he was joined by Wacker and Last Tango. Penalties were handed out for various obscure reasons that escape me now, some of which may have involved Australians and wine drinking. As usual, the details become somewhat hazy as the evening progresses.
On On
New Balls Please

Pompous lecture on pub etiquette

Whilst we all know what a great bunch we are, it is worth reflecting on the perception of bar staff and locals on having their pub invaded by a lot of sweaty people in running gear and maintain good public relations by:-

-Not changing in public bar areas before or after runs (not even your T shirt!).

-Moderating our language with regard to who may be within earshot.

-Considerate use of toilets e.g. not keeping them engaged for excessive lengths of time while we change.

-Minimizing the amount of mud we bring back into the pub after off -road runs.

-Engaging with locals and being considerate of them.

-Not congregating where we are blocking the natural flow of the pub.

-Being courteous towards bar staff and exercise patience, even if we overwhelm them a bit at times. And remember to thank them at the end of the evening.

-Consider the pub’s reputation with its neighbours, don’t allow outside circles to become too noisy, e.g. don’t chat in the background when the RA is performing, or go on too long, and leave the pub quietly

Run nr 1595 on 14 April 2016 – George & Dragon, Acton

It wasn’t the Journey to Hell, it wasn’t the Friday 13th hash, but this week’s hash was still macabre nonetheless. The Mismanagements campaign to attract new harriettes was continuing to go from strength to strength by having the run set in Acton Town, where not only does it have the highest number of greasy fried chicken shops per capita in the UK but it is also a suburb where there is currently a sexual predator on the loose. Those of us used to fending off predators on a Thursday evening were not perturbed by this and still made it along.

The hidden gem in amongst the dilapidation was our venue for this week, the George and Dragon pub/microbrewery. Hashers crawled out of the woodwork, excited at the thought of drinking real ale at Wetherspoons’ £3 a pint prices but in a chav-free environment. Unfortunately the better half of the haring duo, Martian Matron, was struck down with flu but our knight in shining armour Moron gallantly soldiered round on his own setting us a mighty fine trail.

There was a further casualty that evening, on the ‘Peckham of the West’ run itself when New Balls Please nearly knocked himself out. He’d been TV location spotting, looking for Mandela House and failed to spot the lamppost straight in front of him. You plonker!

Back at the pub our illustrious RA Plug once again entertained us with stories of stupidity from the run. Sins I can just about remember through my vodka haze are: KMA for his lack of navigational skills, Hummingbird for leaving us and Robocop just for being Robocop. There was a naming too, young virgin Millie, offspring of Chocolate Starfish was named Chocolate Millipede. The speed she knocked back that down down shows true hasher potential.

I can confirm that all three ladies toilets were fully functional at the end of the evening so we’ll be ok to return there in the future.

On on

Love Deuce

Run 1593 31 March 2016, Teddington

The Adelaide, Teddington
Hare: Foreskin
Scribe: Doner Kebab

After leaving our bags in the provided upstairs room the hare announced “Bad news & good
news”. Bad: He was not going to accompany us and we should thoroughly check and call
loudly. Good: The reason being that he needed to prepare the drink and food stop.

At the nearby first check, most checked towards the town centre but the true trail was
eventually called almost backwards towards the National Physical Laboratory and a Bushy
Park entrance. The check just outside the park was quickly called inside to the right by
NutSucker heading towards the North West corner for a presumably anti-clockwise tour of
the park.

After zig-zagging with plentiful checks the trail went into a tight loop North of the
Water Gardens. This caught out most of the pack but Butt Plug and few of the slower
guessed the trail would head South from close to an earlier check. They all called
loudly but the pack took a while to cotton on and follow. These new FRB’s soon passed the
walkers which included MoreOn and Lofty. The trail again zig-zagged with people checking
in all directions before Butt Plug again found trail towards the gap in the Woodland.

As the trail reached Chestnut Avenue (the road through the park), instead of following the
paths it crossed the grassy area either side of the road and became almost impossible to
follow. By this time Knickers had finally caught back up and Rambo who started late (as
usual) also caught up. They helped in the search for blobs of flour in the grass. Rambo
finally found one across the road but failed to find any more. Eventually Doner Kebab
found a check away from any paths and everyone there checked in almost every possible
direction. It was a while before Knickers found trail – back on a path – by which time
most of the rest had caught up.

As the light started fading the trail again left the paths and crossed a large area of
rough ground. Progress was very slow as occasionally someone would find a blob of flour
by their torch-light. Finally Rambo spotted a small pedestrian exit from the park and
found arrows pointing out. No-one saw any flour leading to this.

On the streets we soon came to a DSVN mark. A few hundred metres later when there
was a false trail mark and a P trail some assumed the VN meant Very Near and they had
overshot the Drink Stop. They turned back to look more carefully but luckily a Harriet
caught up to inform them that the hare lived almost next door to the pub and the drink
stop was there. We had a very tasty cocktail (of which there was seconds and thirds),
sausages, sausage rolls and cheesy things.

The circle was held in the bag room and the pub provided a pitcher of beer. Apart from
the hare in a sexy shirt I have no recollection of any sinners. I did not realise the
drink stop cocktail was that strong.

WLH3 RUN 24th March 2016 @ The Albany, Twickenham

HARES: Nut Sucker and Minge-&-Tonic wearing stupid bobble hats..
SCRIBE: Psychodelic
Miscellaneous Run Info:

The RA had given us really wet weather- sack him. I caught all at the first check… and again two Checks later I was still in touch, enough to observe the intrepid explorer Wacker crossing the busy road and stopping to pant away once off the bridge. He got it wrong.. Call Girl has never got it wrong in her life and her stationary motion exercises may be the reason- a new way of checking it out but what about the Trail.

After a rescue by the Hares, the Run was steaming along at a fast pace out of my sight. I have it on good authority that Contours lead the front runners astray on a plastic bottle trail instead of flour. He wasted drinking time with the delayed return of the Pack so he never made the Circle later.

The SCB route led to the Drink Stop with the help of Nut Sucker, passing three real ale pubs in town on the way. We were then presented with wine from a bag! Sacrilege. A miserable beer-less drink stop in the rain, so Dingo wanted revenge in the Circle with wine down-downs for the Hares.
There were quite a lot of lost souls tonight with Pope, Roadkill and Knickers all coming up with excuses for early returns. Even one hare (Minge & Tonic) got lost off her own Trail after the SCB split – she forgot its true direction at one Check on the fast runners loop towards the end, but she made it to the Pub. I absolved her sins there and then on the spot so no punishment!
Highlights of the Circle:
a) The Hares Nut Sucker and Minge-&-Tonic had kept ISIS at bay so were given beer Down-Downs instead of wine and many deemed this as unjust after the drink choice at the Run Drink Stop.
b) Visitors called into the middle were MickMac (he survived the latest Brussels terrorism) and Snitch Bitch (from St Louis, USA), still surviving here in London after two weeks.
c) USA Returners from 5 years ago Dum Buff and wife Con Tripper had drinks waiting but Periodical and Prince had got them lost somewhere, in another Pub. Look for the Returners elsewhere in the next three weeks.
d) The Virgin Kevin was chatted up by the Hares in the Pub before the Run, so after doing the wet run he earned his drink.
e) Prince showed off a fitting T-shirt before the Run (the first time for many months/ years) but failed to turn up for suitable punishment from the RA. Periodical had led him astray.
f) As New Zealand has decided to stick with the Union Jack on its flag, Man Magnet and Dingo (the two Aussie Sisters) were called on to celebrate this wonderful fact.
g) Wacker proceeded to present today’s RA Lick-a-Pile with a 100 Run mug and congratulated him on being sacked after 26 years in his Halliburton job! Did the Hash contribute to his demise? He has an RA job now but his income is not as great.
h) KC was punished for seducing Nut Sucker back to his house for beer, or so he claimed! They had enough energy to get to the Pub late. Healthy beer.
i) Foreskin’s clothes were immaculate because he is now retired and spends all his time doing washing as nothing else to do during the day! Get another life!
j) There were too many pairs of tight python trousers on display and even in over 70’s- so Pickled Fart, Pope and Rambo had to suffer some more expansion.

The Hope – Richmond 10 March 2016

West London Run MDXC
10 March MMXVI
The Hope – Richmond
Hare: Crap Nav
Scribe: More On

“When life is getting you down,
And you need a little hope.
Look deep down inside yourself,
And you’ll find the way to cope”

Crap Nav’s solution was to set a run, from the little Hope no less – a pub we haven’t visited in a long time. In fact, when we were gathering at the pub, most of those present were still reminiscing about the old days and the 30th anniversary the previous week.

Crap Nav, who lives in the vicinity and should know better, failed to check the Environmental Agency website, which had predicted severe flooding in Richmond. This was immediately apparent as we approached the River Thames near Twickenham Bridge, where there was a large lake and no visible towpath, but with Kaffir as a front runner, and with KC just managing to keep his head above water, the pack managed to follow bits of the river towards Richmond, at which point we crossed the bridge and followed some more bits of the river, towards Ham. Or some people did.

Once we crossed Richmond Bridge, there was a certain amount of peeling, as older members decided the beer on offer in the pub was more attractive than a trip to the Star and Garter, now that it’s no longer an old folks’ home.

Meanwhile, Wacker had picked up a large plank of plasterboard, and looked like Eric Sykes in the silent movie from the 1970s as he swayed about crashing into everything.

Back at the pub Lick a Pile eventually succeeded on organising a circle, but not before Mad Cow was heard complaining about the absence of water in the gents (when did he last wash his hands anyway?).

Rent Boy, who should have been the hare, but pulled out claiming that gout had stopped him from setting a run, was presented with an appropriate card, and Wacker was given advice on how to repair his ceiling. Martian Matron was rewarded for being a Rollback lookalike (Lick a Pile has a vivid imagination!) and Pope and Pickled Fart were penalised for failing to walk on water, Contour was accused of stripping in the street, and Crab Picker was heard calling for the RNLI on his mobile phone during the run.

And that was that. So thanks to Crap Nav for setting a run at short notice.