Crooked Billet 18th April 2013

After a great deal of confusion, hare-switching, and pub-changing, Thursday’s run set off from the Crooked Billet in Wimbledon, with hares Fickle Fart and Dingo in charge. Smack The Oyster, nominally named as a co-hare, successfully avoided any hint of responsibility, as any self-respecting harriette would.

Fickle Fart, known far and wide for his love of laying muddy, shiggy-filled trails, is also locally famous for choosing pubs that require the pack to walk at least half the distance of the run just to arrive at the on-out, and this run was no different. As a result of the long slog up hill, hashers arrived at the pub in their usual *ahem* good spirits, looking forward both to the trail and to the opportunity to earn a free beer (offered by Dingo) to the first hasher to beat FF over the head with a stick.

The first clue as to the condition of the trail was Dingo’s arrival at the pub, wearing not standard shabby hash trainers but a pair of well-used Wellies. As there was no sign of FF either before or during the run, we can only assume that he knew of the reward offered for his demise and wisely chose to rejoin the pack only after they’d had a few back at the pub.

The trail was, as anticipated, generally muddy (note to future hares: Rent Boy likes shiggy, and this trail apparently didn’t have enough, although how he would know is anyone’s guess, as he has never before finished an entire run without stopping at a pub enroute) and meandering, taking the pack up, down, and around Wimbledon Common, finishing up with a long straightaway to the on-inn. As is typical of FF runs, this one treated the pack to several false trails, which this writer, being at the back of the pack, was fortunate to miss. There were also several apparently easy-to-break checks, resulting in the pack getting fairly spread out, with cries of on-on only being heard in the far distance.

Back at the Crooked Billet, the arrival of a boisterous group of mud-covered hashers must have caused no little consternation to the posh patrons who were attempting to have a nice meal and conversation, so the pack repaired in short order to the porch, where down-downs and general levity ensued.

We now leave our regularly-scheduled broadcast to bring you breaking news from the Colonies:

The Federal American Reconnaissance Team and the Combined London Investigation Team announced that they joined forces to investigate the Boston Marathon bombings, and the prime suspect was initially identified as a British national operating under the pseudonym “Naughty Nympho.” Despite their best efforts, Ms. Nympho eluded capture and managed to escape the country just hours ahead of the authorities, and she is now believed to have taken refuge in London at the home of a member of the Foreign Office.

In other news from the Colonies, a London solicitor going by the name of “Stayover” was held at the American-Canadian border under suspicion of engaging in subversive activities after being captured trying to sneak across the border on foot, abandoning his car near the border in Canada. Under questioning, the suspect claimed he was only trying to get information on snow skiing, but as authorities could not verify his story, and as he had crossed the border without proper documentation, he was detained for several hours before being released.

This same solicitor has since claimed credit for saving the life and liberty of one Last Tango, who was seen by London police dropping “flour” on the roads of London, and who avoided incarceration only after Stayover convinced the Met that a t-shirt-clad woman of mature years and sporting bright red hair could not possibly pose any threat to the city’s Elf and Safety.

Now, back to our programming:
The down-downs for questionable behaviour began with drinks for the Wellie-wearing hares in appreciation for their hard work setting the trail, and continued through recognising various transgressions to the highlight of the evening: the Wombles of Wimbledon Common, when Pope, Fickle Fart, Black Hole, and Boy Blunder were called into the circle to enjoy their 15 seconds of fame and be serenaded by the off-key efforts of the rest of the pack.

And finally, it’s been revealed that Britain has again resorted to press-ganging Americans, as Stayover (who ought to have known better) and FF railroaded Smack The Oyster into acting as scribe for this run, despite the fact that she is presently attempting to flee the country in an effort to avoid a forced marriage to Eric. Rumour has it that Eric, in anticipation of said marriage, has already purchased clothing suitable for the occasion.

Smack The Oyster has been determined by the Home Office to be of a type unfit to remain in the country and is therefore leaving at the end of this week with her Hash Hounds, Holly and Jerry Lee, to return, albeit temporarily, to America. Until then, thank you to all the hashers of London for a wonderful five years in my beloved Britain, and I hope to be back soon.

On On

Smack The Oyster

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