Here is a map showing locations of some of the WLH runs during 2016.  Clicking on a run location will allow you to view the trail for that run.

Hopefully this will be helpful if you are a hare trying to decide where to set your next trail.

The venue for this Thursday’s run was that reliable favourite: the Green Man, on Putney heath. With Lick a Pile performing a dual role as both hare and GM, what could go wrong? Well, nothing much as it turned out.
Having been assaulted by an overly aggressive lamp post on a previous hash in Action, your scribe was taking no chances on this occasion, and donned his high-viz vest for this trail. Oh how my fellow hashers mocked and ridiculed my garb. But the last laugh was on me, as I was not accosted by a single lamppost on the whole trail. Who says health and safety is a waste of time?
At the on-off our two visitors – the GM from San Diego Hash [insert name here] and Camping Gas from Guildford – were given the customary West London welcome, and the hare received a cheer for announcing that there would be a drink stop. We then set off, not into the beckoning wild woods of Putney Heath as one might expect, but in a series of loops into some of the less scenic housing estates of Putney. Apparently the hare did this deliberately to frustrate Pickled Fart, who historically has ‘owned’ the role of Putney Heath hash master.
Before too long, normal service was resumed and we crossed the road and continued on the trail through the heath, and then on around parts of Wimbledon Common, before returning back to the heath. Your scribe was diligently recording every step on his trusty OS map and is therefore in a positon to share this with you thanks to the wonders of the InterWeb: Map of Trail
Giving credit where it is due, Lick a Pile did a great job of setting the trail, with frequent clear markings and just the right number of checks and false trails to keep the pack together. The only thing I could not figure out is that even though I ran flat out between checks, the hare would always be waiting there already, smiling and looking very relaxed. So either he was very clever and used some cunning shortcuts, or alternatively, recalling the tale of the hare and the tortoise, our hare was in fact one of a number of identical ‘tortoises’ placed strategically at each check. Since the first explanation is clearly not credible, we must assume that Lick a Pile does indeed have a number of clones at his disposal.
Arriving at the drink stop we were treated to some potent Czech sprit reputed to be 65% proof. Deceptively easy to sip, but with an after burn that removes the lining from your oesophagus. As usual, one could overhear the Pope trying to coerce his fellow hashers into joining him in Hell. Then it was time to head back to the Green Man for beer and the circle. This proved to be a tricky gig for the GM when it came to inviting the hare into the circle, but Lick a pile handled it adroitly thanks to some nimble foot work. Our visitors were then give their customary down-downs, and since one was in fact the GM of the San Diego Hash, the rule: “One GM gets a down-down, all GMs get a down-down” was invoked, and he was joined by Wacker and Last Tango. Penalties were handed out for various obscure reasons that escape me now, some of which may have involved Australians and wine drinking. As usual, the details become somewhat hazy as the evening progresses.
On On
New Balls Please

It wasn’t the Journey to Hell, it wasn’t the Friday 13th hash, but this week’s hash was still macabre nonetheless. The Mismanagements campaign to attract new harriettes was continuing to go from strength to strength by having the run set in Acton Town, where not only does it have the highest number of greasy fried chicken shops per capita in the UK but it is also a suburb where there is currently a sexual predator on the loose. Those of us used to fending off predators on a Thursday evening were not perturbed by this and still made it along.

The hidden gem in amongst the dilapidation was our venue for this week, the George and Dragon pub/microbrewery. Hashers crawled out of the woodwork, excited at the thought of drinking real ale at Wetherspoons’ £3 a pint prices but in a chav-free environment. Unfortunately the better half of the haring duo, Martian Matron, was struck down with flu but our knight in shining armour Moron gallantly soldiered round on his own setting us a mighty fine trail.

There was a further casualty that evening, on the ‘Peckham of the West’ run itself when New Balls Please nearly knocked himself out. He’d been TV location spotting, looking for Mandela House and failed to spot the lamppost straight in front of him. You plonker!

Back at the pub our illustrious RA Plug once again entertained us with stories of stupidity from the run. Sins I can just about remember through my vodka haze are: KMA for his lack of navigational skills, Hummingbird for leaving us and Robocop just for being Robocop. There was a naming too, young virgin Millie, offspring of Chocolate Starfish was named Chocolate Millipede. The speed she knocked back that down down shows true hasher potential.

I can confirm that all three ladies toilets were fully functional at the end of the evening so we’ll be ok to return there in the future.

On on

Love Deuce

HARES: Nut Sucker and Minge-&-Tonic wearing stupid bobble hats..
SCRIBE: Psychodelic
Miscellaneous Run Info:

The RA had given us really wet weather- sack him. I caught all at the first check… and again two Checks later I was still in touch, enough to observe the intrepid explorer Wacker crossing the busy road and stopping to pant away once off the bridge. He got it wrong.. Call Girl has never got it wrong in her life and her stationary motion exercises may be the reason- a new way of checking it out but what about the Trail.

After a rescue by the Hares, the Run was steaming along at a fast pace out of my sight. I have it on good authority that Contours lead the front runners astray on a plastic bottle trail instead of flour. He wasted drinking time with the delayed return of the Pack so he never made the Circle later.

The SCB route led to the Drink Stop with the help of Nut Sucker, passing three real ale pubs in town on the way. We were then presented with wine from a bag! Sacrilege. A miserable beer-less drink stop in the rain, so Dingo wanted revenge in the Circle with wine down-downs for the Hares.
There were quite a lot of lost souls tonight with Pope, Roadkill and Knickers all coming up with excuses for early returns. Even one hare (Minge & Tonic) got lost off her own Trail after the SCB split – she forgot its true direction at one Check on the fast runners loop towards the end, but she made it to the Pub. I absolved her sins there and then on the spot so no punishment!
Highlights of the Circle:
a) The Hares Nut Sucker and Minge-&-Tonic had kept ISIS at bay so were given beer Down-Downs instead of wine and many deemed this as unjust after the drink choice at the Run Drink Stop.
b) Visitors called into the middle were MickMac (he survived the latest Brussels terrorism) and Snitch Bitch (from St Louis, USA), still surviving here in London after two weeks.
c) USA Returners from 5 years ago Dum Buff and wife Con Tripper had drinks waiting but Periodical and Prince had got them lost somewhere, in another Pub. Look for the Returners elsewhere in the next three weeks.
d) The Virgin Kevin was chatted up by the Hares in the Pub before the Run, so after doing the wet run he earned his drink.
e) Prince showed off a fitting T-shirt before the Run (the first time for many months/ years) but failed to turn up for suitable punishment from the RA. Periodical had led him astray.
f) As New Zealand has decided to stick with the Union Jack on its flag, Man Magnet and Dingo (the two Aussie Sisters) were called on to celebrate this wonderful fact.
g) Wacker proceeded to present today’s RA Lick-a-Pile with a 100 Run mug and congratulated him on being sacked after 26 years in his Halliburton job! Did the Hash contribute to his demise? He has an RA job now but his income is not as great.
h) KC was punished for seducing Nut Sucker back to his house for beer, or so he claimed! They had enough energy to get to the Pub late. Healthy beer.
i) Foreskin’s clothes were immaculate because he is now retired and spends all his time doing washing as nothing else to do during the day! Get another life!
j) There were too many pairs of tight python trousers on display and even in over 70’s- so Pickled Fart, Pope and Rambo had to suffer some more expansion.

West London Run MDXC
10 March MMXVI
The Hope – Richmond
Hare: Crap Nav
Scribe: More On

“When life is getting you down,
And you need a little hope.
Look deep down inside yourself,
And you’ll find the way to cope”

Crap Nav’s solution was to set a run, from the little Hope no less – a pub we haven’t visited in a long time. In fact, when we were gathering at the pub, most of those present were still reminiscing about the old days and the 30th anniversary the previous week.

Crap Nav, who lives in the vicinity and should know better, failed to check the Environmental Agency website, which had predicted severe flooding in Richmond. This was immediately apparent as we approached the River Thames near Twickenham Bridge, where there was a large lake and no visible towpath, but with Kaffir as a front runner, and with KC just managing to keep his head above water, the pack managed to follow bits of the river towards Richmond, at which point we crossed the bridge and followed some more bits of the river, towards Ham. Or some people did.

Once we crossed Richmond Bridge, there was a certain amount of peeling, as older members decided the beer on offer in the pub was more attractive than a trip to the Star and Garter, now that it’s no longer an old folks’ home.

Meanwhile, Wacker had picked up a large plank of plasterboard, and looked like Eric Sykes in the silent movie from the 1970s as he swayed about crashing into everything.

Back at the pub Lick a Pile eventually succeeded on organising a circle, but not before Mad Cow was heard complaining about the absence of water in the gents (when did he last wash his hands anyway?).

Rent Boy, who should have been the hare, but pulled out claiming that gout had stopped him from setting a run, was presented with an appropriate card, and Wacker was given advice on how to repair his ceiling. Martian Matron was rewarded for being a Rollback lookalike (Lick a Pile has a vivid imagination!) and Pope and Pickled Fart were penalised for failing to walk on water, Contour was accused of stripping in the street, and Crab Picker was heard calling for the RNLI on his mobile phone during the run.

And that was that. So thanks to Crap Nav for setting a run at short notice.

Pub: Duchess
Hare: On All Fours
Write up by Skylark

Well it seems that West London Hash has been feeling a little left behind what with London H3’s slick quarterly magazine, enviable hare-line, and professional website, and so they should. So to try to rectify this they decided to recruit one of London H3’s top scribes to acclaim their glorious trail from The Duchess at Battersea. This decision they may regret.
For choosing a pub that was within sight of the dog’s home, it was quipped that the hare, All Fours, should be renamed to All Paws. Instead she was made to give her chalk talk on hands and knees. This we felt was unfair treatment for someone who had stepped in at the last minute to fill yet another gap in West London’s increasingly sparse looking hare-line.
With an encouraging spurt of imagination, All Fours took the trail straight through the Savona estate. Sadly in this 8km trail in which Pope counted only seven checks, the well of creativity quickly dried. The highlight for most was the part where the hare got lost on her own trail and ended up blindly following the blundering pack, marking trail behind them as she went. She did though finally get us to Battersea Park and we briefly got to see the pagoda, the river, and the Rosary gate. It was essentially a quick in-out, but maybe that’s what she’s used to.
In all fairness it was a well-timed run, with most of the pack getting back to the pub in about an hour. The Duchess, with its range of fine ales, good location and eye catching décor (that would be the tastefully framed nudes then) is a venue to be remembered. Dingo, a GM that always leads by example, certainly thought so as she had spent the entire trail propping up the bar and getting increasingly giggly on the pub’s wine selection. Even before the on-out she had jumped onto Pope’s lap for a quick bounce up and down and left him with a wet crotch (from spilt wine). Then during the circle she had attempted to fling herself upon a departing five-a-side team who had simply wanted to get away from that group of weirdos with their rude songs.
The evening ended with even more debauchery as Dingo was plied, rather unnecessarily, with shooter cocktails. The Slippery Nipples came out, followed by Sex on the Beach and Screaming Orgasms. The bar staff didn’t actually know how to mix a screaming orgasm, so Dingo ended up having a fake one. Well, we’re sure that wasn’t the first time.
My work here as scribe is done. In the interests of fairness the London H3’s edit hare has been included on the distribution list, so that if West London decide to protect the guilty by way of censorship or publication ban then it can instead be included in the next edition of On Paper. Well we do like to give a fair representation of our rival London kennels. Oh and don’t forget, London H3 are hosting a far superior away weekend to the Norfolk Broads in August. See their website for details.

Pub:-The Grand Junction Arms
Hare:-Wacker
Write up by Optimist

The Evening Standard front page advert said it all “Turn me on” (ad for New Beats Pill+ (wireless speaker)) and the
large pack gathering in The Grand Junction Arms clearly were in anticipation of Wacker’s trail set through the urbane delights of Harlesden, Park Royal and Willesden.

The Evening Standard also featured an article on Operation Kestrel with photos showing Met police officers searching for guns in Harlesden, this only added to the frisson.

On peering through the steamed up windows the rain was heavy and constant as it fell on the puddles gathering on the pavements and gullies. The words of Squeeze came to mind “And so it’s our assumption we’re really up the junction”.

The landlord cheerfully saying “enjoy your run” as we left our bags behind the bar. Unperturbed, undaunted and pumped up, with thoughts of “well its bound to ease off” the pack of eleven ran off into the night.

The sense of “lets get this over with asap” (too literally) was immediately evident with death by “petrol” on the agenda with the pack storming off across Acton Lane main road into a line of starting to move traffic, as the nearby traffic lights had just turned green. Dam it someone politely said.

The pack streamed down North Acton Road into and around a playing field, on through a trading estate and up Victoria Rd and right along the Canal.

Flushed as was inventor Alexander Cumming with enthusiasm, the pack continued to break checks with the speed of a rat up a drain pipe. Yeah right!

Pope called Man Magnet, Mam Magnet maybe his mind was at that moment just a stream of thoughts or his thinking had become obscured by clouds.

Passing Car Giant depot, turning left up Scrubbs Lane (away from Wormwood Scrubs and the Prison no visiting “Uncle” today) by as the rain continued we were all feeling very well scrubbed as we cut through to Harrow Rd.
In the wet the trail was becoming harder and harder to find, for the FRB’s and arriving pack the services of NCIS or CSI or Wacker the hare were badly needed!

The trail almost reaching Kensal Rise station before heading due West back towards Harlesden.

Back at the pub two bowls of Hash Chips appeared as emergency rations drizzled in red sauce and splashes of mayonnaise. Despite the shelter, sustenance and a selection of fine Youngs ales, Called Away (was), Thunderthighs and a Hasher in a blue WLH3 left before The Circle.
The remaining super hardcore hashers are hereby named in this WLH3 (despatch) write up, background music provided by Wet Wet Wet:
~~~~~~~ Wacker, Mad Cow, Pope, Sir Hump-a-lot, Nut Sucker, Optimist, KMA and Man Magnet ~~~~~~~

Mad Cow presided as RA.

On on
Optimist

NB: Daryl Hannah sent her apologies.