Here is a map showing locations of some of the WLH runs during 2016.  Clicking on a run location will allow you to view the trail for that run.

Hopefully this will be helpful if you are a hare trying to decide where to set your next trail.

After a great deal of confusion, hare-switching, and pub-changing, Thursday’s run set off from the Crooked Billet in Wimbledon, with hares Fickle Fart and Dingo in charge. Smack The Oyster, nominally named as a co-hare, successfully avoided any hint of responsibility, as any self-respecting harriette would.

Fickle Fart, known far and wide for his love of laying muddy, shiggy-filled trails, is also locally famous for choosing pubs that require the pack to walk at least half the distance of the run just to arrive at the on-out, and this run was no different. As a result of the long slog up hill, hashers arrived at the pub in their usual *ahem* good spirits, looking forward both to the trail and to the opportunity to earn a free beer (offered by Dingo) to the first hasher to beat FF over the head with a stick.

The first clue as to the condition of the trail was Dingo’s arrival at the pub, wearing not standard shabby hash trainers but a pair of well-used Wellies. As there was no sign of FF either before or during the run, we can only assume that he knew of the reward offered for his demise and wisely chose to rejoin the pack only after they’d had a few back at the pub.

The trail was, as anticipated, generally muddy (note to future hares: Rent Boy likes shiggy, and this trail apparently didn’t have enough, although how he would know is anyone’s guess, as he has never before finished an entire run without stopping at a pub enroute) and meandering, taking the pack up, down, and around Wimbledon Common, finishing up with a long straightaway to the on-inn. As is typical of FF runs, this one treated the pack to several false trails, which this writer, being at the back of the pack, was fortunate to miss. There were also several apparently easy-to-break checks, resulting in the pack getting fairly spread out, with cries of on-on only being heard in the far distance.

Back at the Crooked Billet, the arrival of a boisterous group of mud-covered hashers must have caused no little consternation to the posh patrons who were attempting to have a nice meal and conversation, so the pack repaired in short order to the porch, where down-downs and general levity ensued.

We now leave our regularly-scheduled broadcast to bring you breaking news from the Colonies:

The Federal American Reconnaissance Team and the Combined London Investigation Team announced that they joined forces to investigate the Boston Marathon bombings, and the prime suspect was initially identified as a British national operating under the pseudonym “Naughty Nympho.” Despite their best efforts, Ms. Nympho eluded capture and managed to escape the country just hours ahead of the authorities, and she is now believed to have taken refuge in London at the home of a member of the Foreign Office.

In other news from the Colonies, a London solicitor going by the name of “Stayover” was held at the American-Canadian border under suspicion of engaging in subversive activities after being captured trying to sneak across the border on foot, abandoning his car near the border in Canada. Under questioning, the suspect claimed he was only trying to get information on snow skiing, but as authorities could not verify his story, and as he had crossed the border without proper documentation, he was detained for several hours before being released.

This same solicitor has since claimed credit for saving the life and liberty of one Last Tango, who was seen by London police dropping “flour” on the roads of London, and who avoided incarceration only after Stayover convinced the Met that a t-shirt-clad woman of mature years and sporting bright red hair could not possibly pose any threat to the city’s Elf and Safety.

Now, back to our programming:
The down-downs for questionable behaviour began with drinks for the Wellie-wearing hares in appreciation for their hard work setting the trail, and continued through recognising various transgressions to the highlight of the evening: the Wombles of Wimbledon Common, when Pope, Fickle Fart, Black Hole, and Boy Blunder were called into the circle to enjoy their 15 seconds of fame and be serenaded by the off-key efforts of the rest of the pack.

And finally, it’s been revealed that Britain has again resorted to press-ganging Americans, as Stayover (who ought to have known better) and FF railroaded Smack The Oyster into acting as scribe for this run, despite the fact that she is presently attempting to flee the country in an effort to avoid a forced marriage to Eric. Rumour has it that Eric, in anticipation of said marriage, has already purchased clothing suitable for the occasion.

Smack The Oyster has been determined by the Home Office to be of a type unfit to remain in the country and is therefore leaving at the end of this week with her Hash Hounds, Holly and Jerry Lee, to return, albeit temporarily, to America. Until then, thank you to all the hashers of London for a wonderful five years in my beloved Britain, and I hope to be back soon.

On On

Smack The Oyster

Run number 1437 on the 4th of April 2013 from the White Horse, Hampstead

Hares Dingo and Next Week

The open fire that greeted us, along with the Hares, at the White Horse was very welcome on this un-seasonally cold evening. Dingo wore a hat that was slightly taller than her, she had, just the day before, declared, in an email from Cairo, that this would be a “Mad Hatters” run. For what reason never quite became clear, but Dingo shares a surname with the girl who inspired the original Alice in Wonderland so maybe that had something to do with it; Google this if you doubt it. The pub had kindly reserved the area around the fire, but it caused some consternation when some Hashers noticed that all the tables around them bore notices declaring that they were reserved for a “Running club”, but they relaxed again after it was explained that this actually meant the Hash.

A week in Egypt, under its new Islamic rulers, had clearly done nothing to instil in Dingo the Muslim feminine virtues of self-effacement and deference to males as she barked orders at all and sundry as the process of parting the hashers from their bags and getting them all outside became even more protracted and chaotic than usual due to a conflict between the stand in GM Pope’s Mussoliniesque obsession with starting runs on time and Dingo’s attempts to give Nut Sucker and other late comers a chance to get changed and deposit their bags.

Once outside, in an act of enforced jollification, silly hats were handed out to those who had come without, or baht’at as they say in More On’s neck of the woods, and the most garish and camp of those was reserved for this humble author, who had, in reply to Dingo’s email, had the temerity to suggest that a run on Hampstead Heath might be sufficient entertainment in itself without the need for ridiculous headgear. The Hares’ talk introduced several exotic new forms of check, including group hugs and the somewhat risqué “saddle slap check”, as if there were not enough perversions perpetrated on Hampstead Heath as it was.

The trail made a bee line for the Heath and the first check at the end of the causeway between Hampstead ponds. What happened next is a matter of conflicting accounts but it ended up with the pack all sliding down a slippery slope and then running around like headless chickens at end of a very long false trail on the North side of the ponds. After Dingo screaming “On Back” until she was hoarse (we should be so lucky) the pack eventually returned to the check and was directed across the causeway, this was later presented by the Hares as a cunning tactic to get the pack together, well, as we say on the Hash, sounds like, sounds like…etc.

Anyway the trail settled down to a left hander round the Heath taking in some nice views of the viaduct pond and culminating in a drink stop a few hundred yards from the pub. Generally it was a good trail of the right length which stayed off the tarmac and kept the pack together, with the exception of one visiting City hasher who, obviously unfamiliar with the concept of hashing off road, away from street lights and the comforting smell of carbon monoxide, had managed to get lost and arrived at the drink stop just as everyone else was leaving.

Another discontent was Crap Nav, as we approached the pub we found him heading in the other direction with a face like a Lurgan spade. He had turned up late and had failed to find an arrow outside the pub –the first arrow was ten yards away and in the direction of the Heath, who would have thought of looking there?-anyway, not even Dingo’s sunny charm could coax him back to the pub and he stomped on towards the station, clearly not a happy bunny.

Back at the pub the staff were friendly, if somewhat overwhelmed at times, and, after the circle the pub generously laid on free food for the hash.

The circle took place in the pub’s tiny beer garden, down downs awarded, of course, to the Hares, to our welcome visitors from City Hash and an innocence of virgins who had enjoyed their first Hash run, and to a few sinners of which I was one, some ridiculous calumny about me being a grumpy old man for not wanting to run around in a silly hat. Moron got the prize for the best headgear, a rather fetching fleecy number; he had clearly taken advantage of the tragically high mortality rate amongst new born lambs on his native Yorkshire Dales this spring and had recycled one into a hat.

Towards the end of the circle the RA, Wacker, gave the floor to More On. It is hazardous to hand over the circle at the best of times, let alone to a man with a dead sheep on his head, as the relationship between brevity and wit is one that eludes many hashers, and when the temperature is hovering around zero it is not the best of times. We were treated to a rambling diatribe about an article in the Guardian involving some research that had claimed to link patterns of male baldness to heart disease, what this had to do with the Hash no one knew nor cared as we became far more concerned with the more immediate health risk of hypothermia long before it reached anything resembling a punch line. The practice making spurious associations between the physical characteristics of individual hashers and unconnected events reported in the press is a relatively recent introduction to the West London circle and it is one that is as about as welcome, and usually about as funny, as a turd in a swimming pool. Better to stick to the traditional circle humour based on parodying what Hashers have actually said or done, there is seldom any shortage of material.

Anyway, to paraphrase Guns n’ Roses’ November Rain, nothing lasts for ever, not even More On’s anecdotes, and eventually Tango got a chance to enlighten us that the location of her run next week is to be Temple. Thankfully we are to get a respite from the recent spate of fun fascism and are not obliged to don bizarre clothing or headgear for this trail, but, as Tango is the Hare, perhaps we should, out of respect, all turn up twenty minutes after the run has started, get lost on the trail and spend the rest of the evening moaning about it over extremely large glasses of Sauvignon Blanc.

On On

F.F.

West London H3 run 1434

Lick a pile is a modest sort of bloke. He does not blow his own trumpet, unlike some other hares we know,[who could you mean!!-FF] but he knows how to set a trail. Loads of small but perfectly formed arrows, clear trail even in the dark forest, and nice S and L bits to choose from. Perfect length, and pack (admittedly small) kept together well. And then the best drink stop of the year, even if it is only March… There was Guinness, and Irish whisky, and hot dogs containing a guaranteed minimum of 53% travellers’ ponies. All courtesy of Mrs Lick a pile, Sexlove, assisted by the Lovechildren.

Lick a pile does not sound or look very Irish, and indeed he isn’t. It just so happens his birthday coincides with St. Patrick’s Day. He was not wearing green, and hardly anybody else did. West London is not a great hash for fancy dress. Just wait for the onesies…

Teddington is obviously too far for most members of the management. Where is our Leader when we need him? Fortunately, Crap Nav had cycled all the way to Tide End Cottage to do the religious bits. There was beer and a birthday song for the hare, and beer for the visitors. Beer, too, for the only two wearing green (Bondi and myself). Special mention should be made of Hobo. He had turned up half an hour late and then decided to run to Kingston and back. When he was called into the circle he made a stunning impression of sartorial elegance. Having been punished for wearing a flasher’s Mac the week before, he was now seen in a dark blue banker’s coat to set off his bare legs and running shoes. Breath taking!

However, the award of the evening went to Tango. Not only did she turn up on time, but allegedly she is going to have, after 116 text messages, the date of the year! Or, according to some, of the century… Remember, Tango, I have it on good authority that if the blind date fails some offers are still valid. Never let it be said the Hash is not generous.

On On, see you next week,

Martian Matron

Another Thursday night with the usual reprobates, plus another of Stay over’s runners and a mother and daughter from Perth ( Bluey &?). Bonnie assured me it would probably be a shortish run, how wrong he was! He is obviously not wearing out he wife with enough chores and stuff.

The run itself, headed off to the river via the Salutation and Bhopal’s boat, although there were no drinks stops at either, just a check. The trail the headed along the river with a few zigs and zags to keep us on our toes. The pace though was fast and unremitting and always going away from the pub. The pack almost got to Chiswick House gates before turning back to the Hogarth Roundabout and a welcome check. The trail then went up Chiswick Lane turning right into Beverley Road at the end of which the trail went right- away from the pub! Panic struck I made to head home, but was rounded up by the hare, and onward we went. The trail turning back on itself by Stanford Brook: saw my chance to break for home whilst the hare was looking the other way! My understanding was the trail went around the North side of Ravenscourt park which was closed but that did not stop Moron and Martian Matron risk serious damage to their nether regions by climbing the spiked fence. They were suitably rewarded by a Down Down for their efforts.

The pub was good if a bit pricey. Rambo arrived 10 minutes after everyone else being late again, as collection for a new watch for him will take place at the next hash.

The circle was done by Wacker. Downs Downs went to Vistors from Perth (Aus), M&M and the new runner, The Hare Naughty Nympho, Butt plug for his smack me T-shirt And ………………………….Either dementia has set in of I went back inside?

On On

Pope

Pub The Doric Arch
Hare Yam Gurning

This weeks run started off with the turn up of the usual suspects (Inspector!) and after find the pub and setting a new P trail from the map location..1/2mile way, we all managed to meet up.

The tiny running people all set off with high sprits from The Doric Arch, Cheesy Chips Arch with the Hare ‘ Yum Gurring’ setting his first trail for WLH.

We all started well and kept a re-group at the checks well to begin with until we all started to notice they we had turned into Gulliver’s travels and the tracks we where all where following were getting, smaller, Small, Smaller, and Smaller.. until only very very tiny little people could see the trail :p

The tiny checks could be seen ‘just’ and its was then followed by the tiny people setting off again with even higher tinier sprits.

Return to the Pub we found that we had indeed return to the a smaller world and the area was indeed small for all of us to fit into.

A good circle was had outside..

Down Downs for Pope, who retired from the Vatican

Down Down for City ex GM Heavy Pants

Down Down Race.

Down Down for Scaryoke & Blunder for Bromance..

Naming of a guy.. Just need to remember what! DOH!

On On

Scary Oaky